April 2008

I feel like a dark cloud is hanging over me. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Its even worse when I'm at Youth group.

Last week a youth leader asked why I walked out early. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't handle it. I had been sitting on the bathroom floor crying because I felt so sick, but of course to share that would have resulted in concern, and my parents finding out, and a mess I was not and am not ready to handle. So I simply said "Because I felt like it" The last year it's like a black cloud is just hanging over my head. It gets to the point where I have to verbally tell myself "Deep Breaths" to keep from throwing up.

I sit alone
I where dark clothes
I where hats
and hide my face with my hair
To keep people from seeing how much it hurts
But I wish it wasn't just I

My sister, and people who are around me ask me if I'm ok, but to tell them would result in in an avalanche of mess. I've been put up on such a high pedestal, that to tell people what is going on at home, and inside me, I know I would Break down, because people would never see me in the same way.

I wish I was 18, in college, and out of the house, away from everyone here. I wish I could be my older brother. Because atleast HE IS FREE.