Good in the 'Hood video

Pondering

Video art

Behind the Lies

The words I write just don't make sense
A pattern struck forbidden mess
To weave these wicked webs by day
By night to know your love no less

Time it passes swift with fear
Another hour slow draw near
False reminder hope unfound
Darkened days will soon be crowned

People pass with downward eyes
Inner demons screaming lies
"Worthless scum of sick decent
Bow down to me your will is bent

Self harm and spew, you wicked whore
Look at me, your darkened lord
What seemed to you beauty find
I twist and turn, control your mind"

Standing here this twist of fate
Freedom said were chains of hate
Death, destruction, web of lies
In pretty wrapping, rainbow ties

Pretty faces tell this tale
Of broken hearts a darkened veil
Tears she cried as streaks rundown
Wear depression as a gown

But hearts of stone none can see
Everybody here is free
Despite the fact I'm not on task
Soon all you see is my mask

Dream poem "Dancing with the Master"

Fall asleep

My feet are heavy
My head is light
As I slowly push back the mighty oak doors

I step inside
A rush of warmth
As musical notes gently caress the open air

Who can create such wonderful sounds
Like a trickling stream
Whose music causes children to dream

Music speaks of honesty and feeling
Master slowly plays
His masterpiece baring its soul in daze

Life breathed in
Plays the song
Wash over me like new rain cleansing my soul

Begin to dance
Song of life
The Creator plays the song of my heart

My heart is beating
One beat
Two Beat
Three
Matching the music’s score

Dancing
Playing
Laughing
Crying
Savior watching over me

He breathes out
I breathe in
My heart becoming his



His heart and soul surrounds me
It overfills and drowns me
With the musical notes of his purest love


I take his hand
He twirls me ‘round
A father daughter dance we join together

Smiling at me
Whispering
Adoration and future plans fill my ears

Like a Ballerina I glide ‘round the room
The piano plays
Never ceasing its song neither night or day

With gentle hands he raises me up
Looking in my eyes
And for now we must say our goodbyes

Wake up

School AWAKE LOL

Which normal person awakes rejoicing "Arise, Awake, The suns not up but I must be!" Not one, we kick, scream, and fall back to sleep, while our government derives sick pleasure from such inhuman torture. Our eyes become heavy, our grades begin to fall, we can not concentrate or focus, the teachers words turn to "blahs." We want more sleep, we want to rest, we want to focus, we want to do our best, but we have been set up to fail. We have a better chance at stopping the sun from rising this coming morning, then doing our best when forced to awake at such ungodly hours. I abhor this quixotic behavior from our school system. I only wish to awake of my own volition each morning! =D

Three

Third school
Third year
Third term
Third hour
Third time
Keep up
Keep thinking
Keep breathing
Keep moving
keep dancing

Its not that hard you can do it
Little girl sitting still
Mommy cried Daddy fit
It can not break your will

New school Rules

People Say I have a choice
Amendments, movements, Freedoms rights
"Speak up loud and Use your voice
As long as my opinion yours enlights

Think like me become like us
Conform to our way
We are right don't make a fuss"
So my teachers always say

My questions fall on broken ears
Taught to ignore different beliefs
Leave it be, our worst fears
Choose silence or decease

Sweet Longing

The floor is matted Crimson Red
My arms shine black and blue
My soul is scattered torn and dead
The pieces scream its true

Lies you believe to ease my pain
And cover up the truth
The screaming, yelling has no gain
Another broken tooth

I laugh I smile You're deceived
Guilt anger hidden shame
The atrocities you believe
I cry and scream your name

Do you see I want to die
Aim the gun and let me be
I'm sick of telling you this lie
My only dream is to be free

My Binder

Prayer to Stay

As I took the scissors
I was Weak and meek
Looking for a love that no on could give
Cause nothings free in this world
Where I want love a payment is always due
But not with money but rather a physical pursue
And so I was at the end of my wits
I was calling it quits
Knowing no one would miss
Cause I'm heading to bliss
FREEDOM HERE I COME!!!

But no, You say?
You care that I stay?
Well... Maybe until May
But then I'm gone
Because you dont really care
And its not fair
My heart will tear and break apart
But I suppose I can stay
If you promise it'll be Ok

But here comes May
and nothings changed
My eyes are teary
My soul is weary of weather and time
And nothing can change my frame of mind

I'm unsettled
So out comes the gun
Another chance to run
Away from a society made up of fakes
People who say you are here
But rather I keep finding fear
Because you are not really there
And If you were
You would care

My life is A Piece of Heaven
HA!
What a joke
More like I'm Chewed and spewed
and left to die
On this lonely earth I am "Privileged" to call home
This is a joke
I'm all alone
Except when people call me on the phone
Just to pretend they care
But its really so they don't have to see my face
and attempt to fill in the missing space
like delicate lace so filled with holes

COME ONE GOD!
Whats going on!
Show up here sometime before Dawn
I'm so lost wanting to leave this place
For another Hell that will accept me by and by
Cause nothing could be worse
God I cry so hard it hurts!

So give me a reason, just one
Thats not so hard
After all You're God
I hear you parted waters
So just one reason
Why should I live
to totally give
to completely live
For you?

HIS ANSWER
"Because I love you!!"

Cry For Me

Staring at the window the fog is quickly spreading through
To hide the tears that just now have begun to brew
No on seems to see me no one seems to care
No one seems to see me as tears I start to wear

I guess they finally got to me I guess I finally cracked
The teasing that I chose again not to send right back
Crying out in anguish crying out in pain
I ask a simple question the answer no one seems to gain

I run into the kitchen I grab the sharpest thing
I want to slit my throat I want to stop the pain
"could I have been the reason" Not one of them will think
With me gone not one eye would even care to blink

My heart is beating faster my hands begin to shake
As my life I will try to very quickly take
I raise the knife to my sight thinking this must end
I place the blade against my throat knowing I cant bend

Screaming out in pain falling to the floor
I see a tine post it fallen by the door
Reaching out to grab it with a final breath
I read two words before I'm taken in by death

"I Care"

unreal

The world I live in isn't real
I'm merely a figment of the authors imaginations
A puppet to a puppeteer
So since I'm fake
Does that mean my thoughts in turn are fake?
Can you perceive something that is fake?
So then is what you are reading fake?
And if what you are reading fake
Then does that make you fake?

Doodle

WHO AM I?

April 2008

I could sit here alone until doomsday. No one really cares. I could change my appearance completely,no one would recognize the change. I could randomly cry, and my tears would be ignored. Why does it seem that no one really cares about others?

I'm not so terrible. I have tried to join in with everyone. Begin conversations, initiate interaction, but when I do I get this funny look like "what are you doing?" and then everyone walks away.IF someone does start a conversation, I say "hi" but my nerves cause me to say something dorky, and they walk away.

I make jokes when I'm nervous. I'm quite unlike my sister, Who has always made friends so easily. She walks into a room and is immediately welcomed, I walk in and feel like I'm intruding.

April 2008

I feel like a dark cloud is hanging over me. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Its even worse when I'm at Youth group.

Last week a youth leader asked why I walked out early. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't handle it. I had been sitting on the bathroom floor crying because I felt so sick, but of course to share that would have resulted in concern, and my parents finding out, and a mess I was not and am not ready to handle. So I simply said "Because I felt like it" The last year it's like a black cloud is just hanging over my head. It gets to the point where I have to verbally tell myself "Deep Breaths" to keep from throwing up.

I sit alone
I where dark clothes
I where hats
and hide my face with my hair
To keep people from seeing how much it hurts
But I wish it wasn't just I

My sister, and people who are around me ask me if I'm ok, but to tell them would result in in an avalanche of mess. I've been put up on such a high pedestal, that to tell people what is going on at home, and inside me, I know I would Break down, because people would never see me in the same way.

I wish I was 18, in college, and out of the house, away from everyone here. I wish I could be my older brother. Because atleast HE IS FREE.

Jesus

Worship. Prayer. Devotion. Love. Compassion.

Jesus
Relentless. True. Compassion. Gentle. Kind.
Jesus
My God. My Savior. My Lord. My Lover.
Jesus
My counselor. My Master. My King. My Peace.
Jesus
MY ANSWER
Jesus!

My biggest fear:

Somebody Removing my mask and finding out who I really am.

I'm afraid people will see me
I can survive if they see past me, through me like I'm a ghost, I've done that quite well thus far, but if they saw the real me. I fear nothing would be the same.

Why does life have to be so complicated? If it wasn't I'd have nothing to fear. But with life comes secrets, and with secrets comes masks to cover up the secrets.

I wear one mask to school, Quiet, shy, and slow to speak.
I wear one mask to Church, Outgoing, Well thought of, Conservative in appearances, respectful, and a leader with in the church.
I wear one mask to Youth Group, I'm quiet, smart, and easy going, people can ask me anything about the Bible, and I will know it, but often they ignore me and I'm ok with that, busying myself with other things.
I wear one mask at home, I'm the daughter every parent wishes they had.

It's so frustrating at times
I'm TIRED OF MASKS
But I'm afraid of people trying to look beyond them and seeing who I really am.

Prayer

When I pray do You hear me? Am I one in a Million, or just one of the Million? Can You really hear my prayers? I can't seem to see You. I wish I could. I want to feel You. I want to truly understand You. I want to know You personally.

Understanding me

What I write is what I think
Who I write for is beside the point
This is my mind
This is how I feel
Ignore it if you wish
I really could care less
But to those who earnestly care
I want you to understand me

I'm average. I'm not special in any way
If you were to ask me my best feature I'd say my brain
I'm somebody most people wouldn't look twice at
I'm the mouse in the corner of a classroom
Most people don't know my name
But they know my notebook
The one I never put down
My journal, my thoughts, my dreams, my life
Everything I write, and you read, is apart of a journal
Feelings, and thoughts, that at the time felt so real
Now I don't think I'm different from most people
I'm just quiet
I wear blue jeans
My white tennis shoes
I wear my pink bracelet with my workplace logo on it
I love my school sweater
And I have an over sized backpack

Do you see me now?

March 2008

Do you see me?
Do you see who I am?
Can you see my breaking heart?
Or are you able to look past it?
Or maybe you just ignore me completely.

I want to feel.
I'm not perfect
But I am here
I am the person sitting in the dark
crying all alone
I wish someone would tell me
I'm not on my own.

You couldn't pick me out of a crowd
Does it scare you knowing I could pick you out?
I blend in, maybe too well
You stick out
I'm one person in the crowd
You are an individual with in the group
I see you walking by
You laugh with your friends
but I see past that
I see the tears you have been holding back
Because your mom things she didn't mean
Because your dad hurt you
Because your boyfriend screamed your worthless
Because you threw up again last night
You don't tell anybody
But the hole in your heart burns
You want to escape this mess
But you don't know how
You want to find help
But fear holds you back
Its the same fear that brings the tears to your eyes at night
The same fear that makes you pray no on finds out
Its the fear that holds you together
I see the pain welling up
Preparing to explode
You wish someone will see past the layers
Before its too late

Broken heart

March 2008

I want to disappear
No one wants me here
I'm sick of pretending
Everything I do is an act
I was asked once
How many best friends do you have
I lied and said eight
truth be told, I have eight less then that
Why is that?
Why doesn't anyone notice me?
I AM HERE!!! HELLO?
Can you hear me?
Am I really so different?
Do I have loser written on my forehead?
Did I do something to scare people?
If I were to die today
Did you know
no on would care?

Losing It

Hug me
I am Hurting
Does anybody love me
Will anybody care?
I am lost
Take away this hurt
Take away this pain

I know you're a christian
Will you tell me?
Will you show me love
I want to be healed
Why won't you help me

Does Jesus love me?
Does he see me?
You don't care
You never have
Because of you
I don't care
I am so lost and scared

March 2008

Every week its the same thing
I go to Church and then I go home
My pastor talks passionate about something
People pretend to care, but do they?

Once church ends people change
They SAY they love God with all their heart
But then they change around their friends.

They tell their friends they are Christians
And they feel that's enough
But why can't it be more

I've sat alone for SO long
I watch these "christian" friends walk pass me
ignoring me, staring at me like some stranger

If my christian friends aren't here for me
How do I expect anyone else to be?
I ran away because it hurt to much to just sit still.

I AM LOST

Its ok to cry

Its ok to cry sometimes, sometimes we need relief, sometimes tears give us relief, sometimes tears bring grief, but it all forms who we are. Tears cause us to realize we can't always do it.Sometimes we just need to hug our knees and cry for whatever. Sometimes we need help. Its ok to cry.

Wonder?

The days You've shared do you ever wonder
Does love really mean forever?
Or is it just a saying some one made up
To make you say I do
Do you ever wonder what life would be like
Had you two never met?
If you each had met someone else
and fallen for another
Does it make you ponder what might have been
and what may have happened?

Yet thankfully on this day a bride came down an aisle
And met a man so deep in love his eyes shone with a smile
Now no longer do they need to wonder
Because their love is going to mean forever

A Sad Nation

There's a boy across the street with a gun in his hands
They made it sound so simple these dirty plans
Just point the gun and pull the trigger
The only work to be done is with his pointer finger

The girl in front of him with her hands in the air
The fear in her eyes has been made quite clear
Her mind thinks of her daughter and the rears she will cry
Her breath is getting heavy she's not ready to die

The cop draws near watching the scene before him play
He's grumbling complaining it's just a typical day
His heart is cold and feelings dis-attached
Its just another call made by dispatch

God help America and what a sad nation we bare
We grumble complain and kill without care
We hold our noses high and try to blame others
The problem in this country are faults of our brothers

The man driving the taxi and the women on the street
The single mother on the bus and child with nothing to eat
Reach out in love and help those in need
Or our nation will kill and die with out heed

God help us as the darkness draws near
You tried to tells us but we refused to hear
Deliver me from this nation which has kicked you out
I don't want to be here when your wrath comes about