Beautiful Dream

Life keeps moving, things happen,

people come and go, changes occur.....

and then there's ME somewhere in the middle of all of it.

Barely breathing, trying to find a foothold in sand.

I'm SCREAMING at the world to shut up for one minute,

shutting my eyes to block everything out.

This black hole I call living, just isn't what it once was.

Am I really here, or am I still in a dream?

Moving underwater at a speed so slow,

my last mistake just raced ahead and hit me in the face.

Who are you, to tell me who I am?

I never asked for your opinion or two cents.

I never asked for you to run me down.

All I wanted was 5 feet to think before waking up.

Emptying my mind, darkness fills the void.

Your words echoing from every FREAKING direction!!

The cliff you pushed me off is a long way down.

The bottom never coming soon enough.

Hitting the ground, red covers my eyes

Blinding me from everything I've tried to leave behind

Fading out, I Scream "ITS ABOUT TIME!!!"

Silence finally finds rest in my ears.

Aim To Please

She's been pushed, pulled, and yanked in every direction
Her head keeps spinning from realities lack of dimension
A falsified world keeps her standing on her feet
Her soul like her heart is cold, empty, and incomplete

She's walking through this world giving everything of herself
To people that don't understand she's already stretched thin for them self
The left over pieces flying in the wind so worn and torn
But even then the only response that reaches her is scorn

Trying so hard to make each person happy
And for a moment she thinks she can hear the smiles on their face
But oops, guess what, it wasn't long enough
Because already they add more piles of stuff

Her barely audible cries reach no ones ears
And when asked whats wrong she wont relinquish her fears
She's pushing against hundred mile winds crushing her chest
Going further backwards to a place better left past

Unemotionally she floats through life hoping to please just one person
Hearing an "I'm proud of you" so she doesn't feel like shes failed in every decision
Taking a break to breath once again, she goes back to work pretending nothing is wrong
Until next time she breaks down and replays her sad song

Cutters Lullaby Video Poem

Ideal Perfection

This city of dreams held together with ploys

Darkness entraps, stealing all joys

Words of the heard destroying the weak

Less is the goal, perfection I seek

The smile I fake saying every thing's fine

Wondering if someone will see that I’m dying’

Killing me, eating me, chewing away

The bile I spew, starvation leads me astray

Media, friends, feed into my deception

Amplifying my vision, I long for perfection

Thin hearts of deceived kill my need for weight

Scales, sizes, scrutiny; They control my fate

Crying at night brings little peace

When I reach my goal madness won't cease

Never enough destroying my life

Taking me hostage feeding my strife

Dreaming of days where none of it matters

Invisible weight makes me feel fatter

Holding me down, mentality strongholds

Creating more standards, unreachable goals

Bones are jut out, zeros not enough

Internally Broken, I've got to seem tough

Every thing's OK, I'll still smile and lie

Fighting myself, you cant see me cry

Lost in this madness, my imperfection tears me apart

Screaming for hope, a change needs to start

Fighting myself, changing this trend

Will anyone help me or will my problem be my end

On Replay

These chains I wear hold me even tighter

Reminding me of every mistake I've ever made

Trapping me with my own

Worthlessness

Imperfection

Depression

and Insecurity

"I'm fine"

But not a day goes by that I don't regret my lie

I try, then cry, It's never good enough, I die, internally

Into darkness claws as it slowly caresses my knotted soul

And as I think over my life

I think back to the memory of my favorite tree

I remember sitting in its branches for hours

Letting my own ignorance and innocence become me

My Bible in hand I could sit up there for hours

falling in love with a Saviour I couldn't see

But now standing next to my tree is a ghost of me standing next to me

and as stand there the dirt and grass filter through my fingers

clumping in a puddle of mud at my feet from my tears through the years

and we whisper in unison

"God I must have bummed you out again"

It's not like I ever intended things to get this way

But my own strength, continues to fail

and with ever failure I cry out

"I'm Sorry God, I guess I'll never do that again!!"

But I lack too much faith to trust in someone I have never seen

So I keep trying to do things on my own

Sacrifice

Release

Mistake

and Return

Guilt and shame

I hide away lowering my hat, and turning my head

Hoping you don't know it's me again.

Funny thing

The other day I met a child who talked about

Jesus like she actually believed he was real

And this child and I we shared brief conversation

She said

"Open up your eyes Kelly, and Jesus will show you the world!"

I replied

"People talk a lot about having a vise, well I have three

DEPRESSION,

My INSECURITY

and this growing ANXIETY"

"No no miss, thats not what I mean,

I mean at least you kept your honesty

but the blind were born blind so that one day they might see

and unless you become like a child

unless you become like ME

you're making excuses for yourself Kelly

You're holding on to reasons to stay ANGRY!!"

I just want to start all over again

Return to the innocence of my childhood

Go back to when everything seemed so... Simple

I want to learn to trust, believe, have faith

"God I'm sorry

Please believe it's true

It was never my intent to fantasize, idolize, or objectify

the worldly things You created

I never meant to downsize Your love

and I now realize I need You

Only You.

I NEED your forgiveness

Christ I'm yearning to be broken from my bondage

I'm striving to be the entity You want me to be

I'm longing for You!

Cutters Lullaby

Slice, Dice, Cut up nice

No feeling, no feeling

A scarlet ribbon trailing down

Make way my pain, I'm insane, my vein

Relief, Relief

Scary truth I never admit

I'm addicted, Conflicted, Feeling restricted

Cry, Cry

There's nothing to gain

Wishing to refuse it, I muse it, then lose it

Control, control

How can I make you understand

Crying, trying, striving to meet

Perfection, Perfection

This is how I'm slowly dying

Laying in bed, said, I'm dead

Don't try, Don't try

About to fall down

I want to feel, heal, learn to deal

Give me hope, Give me hope

Cause I have no reason to go on

Simple Unknown

I laugh, I smile, wondering why

I don't understand, give up don't try

Feeling Ashamed I can forcefully feel

Every emotion, I don't know how to deal

Curled up in corners too scared to fall asleep

Monsters surround me, I'm in it too deep

God will you save me? Give me hope?

Cause on my own, I can't cope

I need your love, I need your grace

To help me through all I face!

I hate..... love you

Did you know

I hate you

Day is night

Night is blue

Feelings come

Feelings go

Didn't wish

This were so

I said Hi

You walked away

I said bye

Now you stay

I didn't quite

Comprehend

What the heck

Fake smile won't lend

Mind is lost

Simple bliss

Gone is love

Now I miss

Wishes gone

Tears I drown

Evil deeds

All you crown

Gotta stay

Don't make me beg

Why you go

I'll never peg

I always try

To make way

But you still

walk astray

I find it hard

Not to spew

Angry words

Back are you

Hear the cries

Of many tears

Spilling over

Through the years

*SIGH*

Did you know

I love you

I hope that this

Can be that clue

Please come home

I beg you stay

And not just

For the day

Gaming

Its absurd how people hang onto every word

Like a disease filling up your mind

Not quite the way it was intended

but I guess people had other plans

Searching for hope in those with none

I hate this pointless idiocy

I want to go back to the days where people mattered

and it wasn't all just a game

Why do people play games?

like they get a kick out of ignoring peoples pain?

Don't follow the media!

It wreaks of depression and my sweet suicide

Make it worse to make yourself feel better?

How is that working out for you?

I HATE these mind games

I miss being a child

When I would live out my dreams as my soul intention

As easy as breathing living for each day

Talking to the sky, imagining what God would say

Nothing would hold me back from reaching my dream

Except growing up

It's controlling me completely I don't understand

Peoples words effect me all so much

I wanna stop playing games quit toying with my head

This stupid reality

I'd rather be dead

God come on! where are you in this??

I'm begging you to come down and show me yourself

Help me know that I'm not crazy

Remind me you're there

I wanna feel like I'm talking to something more than the ceiling

But if you don't reply I want to stay true

My faith is more important than what I say or do

In the end I want people to know

Even though I wasn't perfect, I hated these satanic games!

I stood strong and made my every living breath about you!