On Replay

These chains I wear hold me even tighter

Reminding me of every mistake I've ever made

Trapping me with my own

Worthlessness

Imperfection

Depression

and Insecurity

"I'm fine"

But not a day goes by that I don't regret my lie

I try, then cry, It's never good enough, I die, internally

Into darkness claws as it slowly caresses my knotted soul

And as I think over my life

I think back to the memory of my favorite tree

I remember sitting in its branches for hours

Letting my own ignorance and innocence become me

My Bible in hand I could sit up there for hours

falling in love with a Saviour I couldn't see

But now standing next to my tree is a ghost of me standing next to me

and as stand there the dirt and grass filter through my fingers

clumping in a puddle of mud at my feet from my tears through the years

and we whisper in unison

"God I must have bummed you out again"

It's not like I ever intended things to get this way

But my own strength, continues to fail

and with ever failure I cry out

"I'm Sorry God, I guess I'll never do that again!!"

But I lack too much faith to trust in someone I have never seen

So I keep trying to do things on my own

Sacrifice

Release

Mistake

and Return

Guilt and shame

I hide away lowering my hat, and turning my head

Hoping you don't know it's me again.

Funny thing

The other day I met a child who talked about

Jesus like she actually believed he was real

And this child and I we shared brief conversation

She said

"Open up your eyes Kelly, and Jesus will show you the world!"

I replied

"People talk a lot about having a vise, well I have three

DEPRESSION,

My INSECURITY

and this growing ANXIETY"

"No no miss, thats not what I mean,

I mean at least you kept your honesty

but the blind were born blind so that one day they might see

and unless you become like a child

unless you become like ME

you're making excuses for yourself Kelly

You're holding on to reasons to stay ANGRY!!"

I just want to start all over again

Return to the innocence of my childhood

Go back to when everything seemed so... Simple

I want to learn to trust, believe, have faith

"God I'm sorry

Please believe it's true

It was never my intent to fantasize, idolize, or objectify

the worldly things You created

I never meant to downsize Your love

and I now realize I need You

Only You.

I NEED your forgiveness

Christ I'm yearning to be broken from my bondage

I'm striving to be the entity You want me to be

I'm longing for You!